Posted on Saturday 12 March 2005
I feel reality slip away from me in times like these. I slink away from you into the darkness of my psyche, your love doesn’t touch me there.
When I think of how I’ve acted, I’m ashamed. Ashamed that despite everything, you still love me. How can you still love me when I am the way I am? You tell me you always will, but rather than believe the sincerity of that statement my mind prefers to think that you’re merely comfortable with me. That we’ve shared our lives for so long now you can’t let go for fear of never finding that comfort again.
Bitterness bites my soul and the fear of receiving answers I don’t want to hear keeps my mind closed to you. It’s not that I don’t want you in there, but I get anxious that you’ll never get close to me because of my own paranoia. I’ve encapsulated myself in guilt that my heart tells me I shouldn’t feel but my head tells me otherwise.
I want to escape from this self-imprisonment, but I don’t know how.
I don’t know how…
